23 May 2017 -Growth and Self Awareness Part 3

It is a frightening thought that man also has a shadow side to him, consisting not just of little weaknesses- and foibles, but of a positively demonic dynamism. The individual seldom knows anything of this; to him, as an individual, it is incredible that he should ever in any circumstances go beyond himself. But let these harmless creatures form a mass, and there emerges a raging monster. 
-Carl Jung.

CPAP Masks are a hit with the Ladies!

So picking up from part 2: 

I covered my pre-existing mental coping strategies, my messed sleep cycle and lastly physically what the hip joint itself was doing physically to my body in terms of inflammation, cortisol, etc. So where did all this put me mentally? Short Version, you guessed it, not in a good place. 


So when I agreed to go to the psych doc I knew I was in need of some help. I had worked with a professional in the past when I had insomnia about a decade ago so anxiety and worries about stigmas for me were low. I actually learned the last time something I pass on all the time, no one knows you are seeing a professional unless you tell them. I actually had seen the professional the last time for about 7mths and talked to people I worked with daily after the fact and they had no idea that was were I went twice a week. Not every experience just mine.


Initially I thought it was the lack of constant sleep and pain I needed to learn how to handle. As well as learn what was actually happening to me physically that I mentioned previously. So when I stated I was not in a good place. In the first place yes there was depression. From a variety of factors, loss of physical function for one, having no discernible end in sight to any of the physical issues, where I would end up post, being unhappy you do not want to be around people so I isolated myself, my work situation was one in which there was no discernible achievement at the end of every work day, thinking I would never be the same again. These are just some of the things that would spiral through my head.




They were all real to me, they were all minor to me, yet with the incurred sleep debt I could not shut them off. I felt as though I had lost my resiliency and mental toughness two things I have always prided myself on. What made it worse is that I felt I would never get them back. That was when the long term effects of depression started to settle in, thoughts of turning it all off, the thoughts of suicide. The mere fact I even had these thoughts scared me enough. Ultimately I knew I would not kill myself, yet as I the Demon hunter and I talked about, I know I will not carry it through, yet what happens that one day when something major happens and my compromised mental toughness is unable to handle and now I really am in a bad state? She forced me to think it through and make plans if I got to that point.




Through out all this I was still trying to train. Still trying to physically improve and be as fit as I could be for surgery. I struggled, this was not like the ACL repair at all. This was a longer timeline and it became apparent a lot of things I had neglected for far to long wanted attention. Remember that warehouse full of shelves filled with boxes? Yeah they started to fall off the shelves. This may sound bad initially yet it will be the best thing to ever happen to me. It forced me to adapt, it forced me to grow, it forced me to do something I had not done in a long time. I began to move forward again with a real purpose.


When you your forced to acknowledge things it is initially uncomfortable (putting it lightly, at times it creates a feeling of fear and then by extension avoidance). It has taken me over a year for me to truly understand and acknowledge my emotions and to let them have their place. I have wanted to quit more than once, I even told the Demon hunter (psych doc) that a few times.




"I really wanted to cancel my appointment and never come back"
"Why did you come back"
"Despite every feeling I have I promised I would see this through no matter what"


Looking inwards, actually experiencing emotions, acknowledging your own faults and mistakes sucks it hurts. What hurts more is regret. Making mistakes and failing in life is going to happen, not taking the time to learn is even worse. I did not want to numb the pain anymore. It kept coming back, those shelves kept spilling things. It was time to go through them and clean things up so I can move the rest of my life forward with purpose and to start setting goals again. Working towards something instead of just living. If I miss the mark on a goal so be it, I will learn something. If I put in the full effort to achieve something and fall short I can live with that. If I fall short because I shirked on the effort required maybe I did not want it as much as I thought I did. I would still learn though. So I think I have covered adequately what was going on my head and the thought process was. Now how or what I have done to get to where I am now?  That is next. The things I learned, the tools I use, and some of the realizations I have made that have allowed me to move forward.