So it is has taken some time for me to write this. In fact int he last few weeks I have written portions of this numerous times in my mind. I have had to find perspective and let a few things sink in. Now it time organize my thoughts and lay things out. For me this is cathartic and works as a therapy. I know none of this situation is dire but I do need to get out of my own head for a little bit. As I explain it all, it will make sense.
As you read this realize i am not bitching, I am organizing my thoughts so i can get on with getting on. I regret very little that I have done that brings me to this point. In fact if I regret anything is that on a few occasions if I had known I may have gone even harder known the consequences of my actions were going to arrive sooner than I anticipated.
So about a month ago I went in to see the Ortho Surgeon. To be honest the worst case scenario (in my head) was a clean up of the damage with a visit back to see him in 5-10 yrs. I was good with that. No I was fucking ROCK SOLID with that. If you had talked to me in my 20's I was rock solid with being smashed up in my 50's and 60's if it meant I had been all in with what ever I was doing.
On first contact with the enemy, all plans fall apart.
Everyone has a fight plan until I punch them in the face.
You get the idea.
Things were no where near my ideal plan.
I need more than a simple clean up job. I require a metal hip resurfacing which is a form of Hip Replacement. I know I was shocked by this news as I was speechless for at least a minute and suddenly had ZERO questions to ask. I was not prepared for this. What does this mean? Then my mind went bank. Not life or death but definitely a shock for me. I am 39! not 49! or 59! What the serious FUCK is going on!? Now you understand my shock.
This surgery will buy me 20-25 yrs until the next full on hip replacement(think chopping off bone and a lot of metal parts vs a few replacement pieces in the initial surgery). The Hip resurfacing should also save some bone for the next surgery (Yay! for saving original parts!). This is obviously a little bit of a bigger deal. The Surgery itself and subsequent recovery I am not afraid of and in a lot of ways I look forward to the challenge.
I went back to see my work doctors to back brief them. That was when I got some surprising news.
Now let me first say, A lot of things still need to unfold before this next piece takes place.
I was told up front, that post surgery i would have to look for a new career. There has been a recent policy shift and metal joints means I am un-employable. The justifications I was given as to why I would be un-fit to do my job I will not get into in this forum. If you are curious email me. Let me just say I do not agree with their reasons and personally it is Fucking Bullshit. I will get disability benefits,re-training and some sort of pension.
SO, it turns out I have an excellent Boss. The day after I got this news he calls me from my desk, walks me down the hall, and introduces me to someone who has had both hips replaced as well as a few other surgeries, and has been dealing with the system for a few yrs. We went back and forth for about an hour.He knew of the policy change and was already preparing his fight. I walked away from that discussion, motivated, full of excellent advice as well as with a new perspective on everything. I could not thank him enough, he took an hour out of his day to help me tremendously
My 2 biggest take aways from that sit down:
1. Learn real (FUCKING) Pain management. -I have done a lot the past 2 yrs with my Physio and RMT. He explained there was a lot more I could be doing and how it affects you physically and mentally first hand. I have already noticed the difference in little ways. I will not get into specifics. (hint: understand how basic pain and anti-inflammatory work (do research) and realize when you need to go back to the doctor to go up OR down dosages or change to a new type of pain or anti-inflammatory medication.)
2. Go get a second opinion- He directed me to a different surgeon that does an Anterior surgical approach instead of posterior approach. The differences? Huge! shorter recovery, less complications short and long term. Waiting to see this surgeon which also buys me something I need , TIME.
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| Coffee and maybe some pain meds. |
Time in order to figure out what that next career is going to be and all planning factors that go along with it. Now i should say there is a chance I may get retained but I have been given a wake up call to sort my shit early so I will do and I am doing just that.
My initial list of careers /jobs is now different from what I would have picked even a month ago.
This leads me to where I am now. All my injuries have taught me to continually focus on what I can do currently, eventually the other stuff comes back. In this case somethings are not going to come back at all.
This feel like a loss of identity. I get it, the older you get certain things hurt more or simply you do less of, and eventually you stop doing those things. In this case it feels way more sudden. Remember what I said earlier about 39 vs 59. Yeah life is not always how you plan.
Jobs, hobbies, and activities I would have done or looked at doing or was looking back at getting into are gone for good. Post surgery my body will not be able to or should not take the physical impact.
I am struggling with this. In my head.
It is why I think my trg has been all over the map since I stopped squatting a few months ago. My mind is lost and my training is lost. One usually sorts out the other.
This is a partial symptom of the struggling. In my head.
Yes I can and will squat post surgery, you can bet you bottom dollar I will get back to lifting shit from the floor post surgery as well. The fact remains though I am going to have to transition my mind set a little bit.
I am struggling with this. In my head.
Yeah I am not fucking dying, there is a lot of worse shit that could happen to me. Usually i find a way to shut my brain off and just get on with things. This time it is taking me a little longer.
This time I am struggling. In my Head.
Managing the pain has helped. Focusing on job ideas has helped. Focusing on my nutrition has helped. I have good days and not so good days. I know things can all change at the drop of a dime, although this time I getting impatient for that dime to drop.
Which is causing me to struggle. In my head.
I may not always be the most positive person it seems but I have always known that action is better than inaction. So as long as I just get on with the task at hand my negative thoughts shut off and I my mind focuses in the moment.
I am struggling to focus in the moment. In my head.
I used to be ALL IN. Everything I did I was ALL IN. Now, I am not sure if I will be able to be ALL IN. If I can't be all in, then i feel like I should quit. Quitting is not something I have done in a very long time. Which is why I am struggling. In my head. This is the part that hurts the fucking most, i mean really fucking hurts. More than even this hip does some days.
Clint Darden explains what I mean when I say ALL IN. This video actually helped bring together my thoughts on this.
In the Mean time, I will keep finding a way to move forward. This whole situation has a lot to still play out, during that time i will find a way to get Strong(er). I know I have good days and not so good days. I used to simply get angry and rage my way forward. Tapping into my rage is fine when you are young and single, not so much so when you have other important people in your life.
In the mean time the continuing thought that I can no longer be All In has me struggling. I am "taking a knee" more than usual lately. But I am going to get back up it is too ingrained in my nature not to.
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| Keep Moving Forward, Keep Getting Strong(er) |
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